Disillusioned

I realise that so far this blog has been neglected. I want to do more thoughts from places style videos, but at the moment the lack of a camera is being a pain. And I should be working, I guess. So for now, there's this:
 

So, it’s the end of the year again. And I think it’s been a good one. As always, it’s had its fair share of ups and downs, but in the end I find myself once again sitting in the car on the way back from Lancashire after a Christmas family gathering and looking forward to a New Year’s gathering with the YTC girls. So not that much has changed, then.

The difference for me about this Christmas is that it just didn’t feel as magical. It’s been nice, sure, really nice to have an excuse to see everyone and eat far too much and forget that I REALLY ought to be revising for my exams or something. And I don’t think it’s just me either – I think we’re at a bit of an odd stage when we’re not kids anymore, but we haven’t left home yet so it isn’t an event just to see your family.

We’re also all pretty skint most of the time, even those of us who have jobs, so Christmas shopping has been interesting, on top of the general ‘Christmas-really-snuck-up-on-me-this-year’ type timekeeping. There are lots of people in my life at the moment who I feel so close to, and this last year has only strengthened that, and I want to give them something nice. But even though homemade presents are nicer than bought ones anyway, there seems to have been no time for them at all. We’ve all been stressing about UCAS and exams and auditions and coursework and seeing our friends who are back for the holidays. 

And really, that’s my feeling about life generally at the moment. Just not quite as magical as it should be. The things we do now matter, and that’s a lot of pressure when we’ve barely scraped together a vague idea of what we actually want to do. As I say, I’m so close to a lot of people, so much so that they feel like my family. At the moment, I can’t imagine not seeing them or at least keeping in touch – more than a week seems ridiculous at the moment – but, in a rather pessimistic way, I kind of think it will probably change. There might be people that fall off the radar, just because of the distance between us, or the time. I really don’t want that to happen. It’d be like losing a limb.

I guess I’m a bit disillusioned with ‘the point of it all’ really. We are at a pivotal changing point in our lives. I turn 18 next year for a start. It’s got to the point where you can count how much of things you have left. I don’t like that. This time next year things will have changed. I just hope I’m ok with that.